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Saturday, November 10th, 2012
1:38 am - how time slips away...
a serendipitous spam message brought me back to this place, long abandoned. 2004. my god.

anybody home?

.::Pilot Star::.

(let me see your beautiful mind)

Saturday, August 7th, 2004
11:30 pm - and if you ever feel lonely...
i'm back home, although not entirely set up as of yet. the past several weeks of my life have been interesting at the least, and although i have not had adaquit time to process all of it, i feel compelled to write...

sometimes things happen at just the wrong time, in just the wrong way. and something in you falls apart. you cant be sure what it is, how it got there, or how to fix it, until someone hits that spot, and you discover how broken you are. then begins the difficult journey of fixing your battle scars.

when i look at myself in the mirror, i see many things. i have what could be described as an extreme personality, and so my flaws and talents stand out to me in the most shocking shades of black and white.

i would see the things i liked. i'm generally happy with my apperence and the majority of my personality. what i wasnt happy with was my skills. somewhere down the road life took an aburpt turn for the worst, and developing my talents took a back seat to simply living through the day. i quickly fell behind where i wanted to be, and as my mind took more and more abuse, it would get harder and harder to look at myself and feel any self worth. i measure myself by what makes me myself, and as an inherent dimension of my personality, if i am not as good at those things as i'd like to be, i feel inadiquit. which in and of itself is somewhat bad, me being very competitive.

i've spent the past 3 weeks out of town, in essence, screwing up. i went to develope one of my skills, and i have to say that in that first week i wanted to give up.

but what made the difference for me was the people i was surrounded by. in 3 weeks i have grown to know people i had never met as well or better than some of my best friends. to be woken up every morning by someone who cares about you and tells you today your going to be better is a wonderful thing. and it makes them right.

i think an accidental impression i have given thus far in this journal is that i am a lone pillar. i'm not. i am another human being with my skills and faults, good qualities and poor qualities, and like every other human being on earth, i have my issues to work through. the difference for me is simply that a combination of being introspective and having a love of writing and reading, which is something i share in common with many people. i have just chosen to incarnate it in a slightly unconventional manner.

unfortunately, i havent time to write out this entry as well as i'd like. life calls, and i have to answer.

but the moral of the rambling story, i suppose, is this: you are your own worst critic. but there is something in every person that give them drive. its the thing that makes you not listen when people tell you you're wrong and get back up when people push you down. and that thing is yours. its a piece of yourself you cant ever lose, if you simply choose to hang on to it.

more later, most likely within the week. good night, everyone.

.::Pilot Star::.

(2 let it show | let me see your beautiful mind)

Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
2:50 pm - Dear Everyone...
once again, i apologize for my extended abscence. but this time, there was a reason.

things happen in all of our lives that we don't see coming. it was announced to me that i was moving...3 days before the fact. my computer has been off and unassembled for quite some time, and immediately after the move i left town for 3 weeks. i am currently typing on a computer away from home.

i will try my best to continue to write while i am away, but i am still trying to figure out how to get access to a computer on a regular basis for my research, let alone getting on LJ.

there is much to say, but now is not the time to say it, unfortunately. i will try to get back "up to speed" with your journals within the next 2 weeks, and writing again within the next week.

have a wonderful week, everyone.

.::Pilot Star::.

(1 let it show | let me see your beautiful mind)

Saturday, June 19th, 2004
1:01 pm - shadows
"Is there a place for all of us where we once again become a shadow from our past, despite our struggles against it?" - givemethegun. she is on my friends list, and is quite interesting. i hope she wont mind me using her as an example.

i have been gone for quite a while, i confess. i had no pointed direction in which to write, and so i sat, passivley, for several weeks, watching, learning, reading. and occasionally (though not often enough) responding to questions asked to me.

this entry is to be, realistically, a catch-all of the lose ends that have sprung up in my absence.

i will refer briefly back to givemethegun's comment. there is a great question. one i'm sure every even marginally world-wary person on earth has thought of at one point or another, including myself, and the overwhelming majority of you (whether you admit it or not).

many people will spend their lives running from an unpleasant past. some will face it dead on, and for their bravery, and lack of forsight, they will be run over by their problems.

some will brush off the unpleasantness with comedy. to make others laugh gives them a drug-like high that makes them forget, if just for a moment, that they do not feel like laughing at all.

a solution to this eternal problem must be found by the individual. but it is often found, as discouraging as it is, in time. lots and lots of time.

i have begun reading the journal of a self injurer, although she is not on my friends list for various reasons. she quit her bad habit, and was left with searing scars that will stand the test of time. it has been several months since she quit. in the beginning she would cry every day, and claw at herself, with no blades to take her pain away. why? she could not stand the sight of what she had done to herself. the raises marks that raced up and down her arms, legs, and even stomach. to know she had done that to herself, and would live with it forever was as much as she could handle some days.

and i've watched her carefully since her journal began.

she is now in love with mirrors. she undresses slowly to enjoy the sight of her skin. she refers to her scars no longer as difigurements or ugly, but as battle scars. she remembers where each mark came from, and she will tell you the story as closley as she remembers with a gentle smile. she has fallen in love with her scars as another part of her body. just another piece of a massive puzzle that makes up her being. if anything, they are even more special to her, because they have meaning. her skin, hair, eyes, hands and nails have no meaning. they've just always been there. but her scars have stories.

i believe honestly and truely that if people stop looking at their past as something to ashamed of, and their feelings as something to be hidden, the world could be a better place. some things dont change. that is simply the way of the beast. but all things can be accepted. and no matter how bleak the situation, there is a redeaming quality. there is some reason to keep living. and if you are reading this right now, you cannot dispute that. because you are here. if there had been no reason to keep living, you wouldnt be.

next time the monster of some trial past rears it's ugly head, i want you to try something. look at it. and accept it for what it is. think of what you would be if it weren't there, and appreciate that ignorance is not, in reality, bliss. that, for your knowledge, it will save you from making the mistake later on.

and that you are here. so there must be some reason to live.

in the mean time, i apologize, again, for my extended "absence". i will try, in the future, to update more regularly.

live well. and thank you for reading, and offering a piece of yourself.

i am warning in advance i will not be able to update for at least another week, as i will be out of town. but i will be reading. and whether i write next week or next month, i will still be reading.

just because you can't see me doesn't mean i'm not here.

.::Pilot Star::.

(16 let it show | let me see your beautiful mind)

Friday, June 4th, 2004
11:35 pm - to care is to live...
humanity is in incredable thing in which most people dont induldge.

so many people go through this world in their own head. they refuse to listen to what is being said, rather how they can avoid a responce that requires action.

i read journals in which people are sometimes quite sad. they feel like no one cares, they feel they are alone in the big cold world. they are one. and the rest of the world is another, and they are not connected. people who are without hope.

and then i meet people who are not sad, but who are lonley. who have no purpose in their lives, who question their existance because they feel selfish for taking this life without giving anything back.

so with this entry, i challenge you to do something. i challenge you to care.

find someone who want to help. and help them. find something you are pasisonate about. and support it. dont be afraid to ask for help yourself.

support a food shelter. help a friend help themselves. allow yourself to trust someone else.

the world is only as sad of a place as you let it be.

.::Pilot Star::.

P.S. this journal, though i am writing it, is about you. so tell me, what would u like to hear? what would you benefit from knowing? let me know and i will do my best to effect you in a positive way.

i will do me best to care.

(10 let it show | let me see your beautiful mind)

Saturday, May 29th, 2004
10:24 pm - i want to fly
dear readers, you fascinate me. read on, write on, so i can watch your soul grow. i promise i will give u something worth having.

.::Pilot Star::.

(19 let it show | let me see your beautiful mind)


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